When Your Partner is Struggling with Addiction

When Someone You Love is Struggling with Addiction

It’s tough enough when a friend has a problem with drugs or alcohol. It’s even more complicated when your partner does. It’s simply harder to see things objectively or to separate yourself from the effect of your partner’s addiction when you’re so emotionally, physically, and often financially intertwined. He needs help, and you need help. So who’s left to help the relationship? Can we both get through this together?

This article offers some insight and advice on how to support your partner, yourself, and your relationship through this difficult period. Perhaps it will also validate your own experiences and even offer some hope. Before going further, however, it may be useful to read When Your Friend Has a Drug or Alcohol Problem for an overview of addiction, the recovery process, and effective helping strategies.

THE COURSE OF ADDICTION ON RELATIONSHIPS

Although every intimate relationship is certainly unique, predictable patterns often emerge when addiction joins the partnership. As addiction develops and evolves, most couples experi-ence parallel changes in how their relation-ship feels and functions. The common progres-sion looks something like this:

Explanations: Early in the development of the addiction, you and your partner explain away his occasional episodes of excessive drug use or drinking. You may attri-bute them to unusual stress at work or a birthday celebration gone too far, for example. Although the events come and go, your anger, embar-rassment, or disappointment may start to build up.

Doubt and distrust: Soon you realize that your partner’s drug use/drinking is not normal, and you begin to pressure him to be more careful, cut down, or quit. This can be especially difficult if you both drank or used drugs together, you now stop, but your partner doesn’t. In this case, your partner might see the problem not as his own substance abuse but as your sudden attitude reversal towards this once shared activity. Regardless, you now become the bad guy or the nagging mother in the relationship.

At the same time, you try to hide his problem from the outside and keep up a good front,which can become exhausting over time. You may notice more negative emotions creeping in. Where is he? He’s hungover and now I have to do all the yard work. What is he doing all night? I hate that I don’t believe him. As resentment and distrust emerge, so too might the apologies and promises not to let it happen again. You forgive again because you love him.

Crisis: Now you can no longer pretend everything is OK, and you spend much of the time going from crisis to crisis. Life seems quiet for a while. Then all of a sudden – another binge, another chunk of money gone, another 3-day disappearance, another lie that’s backfired. The emotional roller coaster consumes your energy. You may feel helpless and unable to control the emotional or practical chaos of your own house-hold. At this point, you might start seeking outside help.

Sex can become a central and divisive issue, particularly when crystal meth is involved. A common scenario goes like this: Your sex life starts to shrivel up, he starts having sex outside the relationship or going beyond the agreements in your “open” relationship. You may feel ignored sexually or even feel manipulat-ed if your partner uses sex to “make up” for something he’s done or to prove he loves you even though he’s acting like an ass. Ultimately, sex can become some-thing to avoid, withhold, or use as emotional leverage.

If you’re worried that his sexual activ-ity might bring home HIV or an STD, start insisting on condoms, having less anal sex and getting tested more frequently. Many men take greater sexual risks when under the influence, so your concerns are certainly valid. Do what you need to protect yourself.

Coming to terms: Your coping abilities eventually become stronger and now you clearly see the addiction. You gradually assume a larger share of the responsibility for the home, friend/family commitments, and taking care of your own needs. You become more resilient to his lies and denial and less guilty for not getting pulled into them.

This period sometimes becomes the “ultimatum phase.” You want to help, you want to stick by him, but you can’t do it unconditionally. Many partners set new limits (or at least stop adjusting old ones) and begin to envision a possible change or end to the relationship.

Disentangling: At this point, the “we” evolves into “you and me” as you begin to see yourself more separately from your partner or his addiction. Many turn to counseling, with or without their partners, in attempts to either arrest the addiction or deal with its consequences. It may be useful to work with a coun-selor with specialized experience in addiction and for each partner to see his own therapist outside of couples counseling.

Should I leave? becomes a common question here. How long do I try and how far do I go to help until I just can’t anymore? Clearly, the answer is different in each relationship, but there are two situations in which you should strongly consider separation, even if only temporarily:

  1. Your partner’s addiction is making you sick as well and you are no longer the person you used to be. Perhaps you see yourself more depressed, withdrawn from friends, not doing the fun hobbies you used to, or having prob-lems at work because you’re so distracted.
  2. Your own financial, physical, or legal security is in jeopardy. Physical or sexual violence should never be tolerated.

Addiction can have cata-strophic legal and financial consequences. Watch out for deep trouble spots and take steps to protect yourself as much as possible. Distancing yourself can be tricky, of course, if you co-own a house, bank account, or other assets, but it is even more critical in these cases. Co-ownership is also an emotional symbol of trust and commitment in most relationships. Talk to a legal or financial professional for objective advice.

Some men feel a lot of social pressure to stay in a relationship. They don’t want to appear too “heart-less,” or they worry what friends might say if they jump ship too soon. And what do you do about all the friends you and your partner share? What if you adore his family and they adore you? This is where trust-ing your instincts is important.

Too many guys have prolonged painful relationships by not believing their own sense that something is wrong. There are so many ways to talk yourself out of your own gut feelings. Maybe I’m overreacting. He said he didn’t get high last night. Well I acted like a jerk too. But no matter what your partner says or what your own head says, your gut will always know when something doesn’t feel right. Listen to yourself, trust yourself, believe yourself. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

Reorganizing: You either reconcile with your partner in his recovery or restructure your life without him.If the relationship ends, it doesn’t mean you didn’t try hard enough to make it work. Or that you didn’t do the right things along the way. The responsibility for the relationship lies equally between you. He is responsible for his addiction and for its consequences on others. That may not lessen your sense of loss, betrayal, or anger, but it may help you move forward knowing that the decision to leave was at least the right one for you.

You may or may not be able to con-trol the course of addiction on your relationship. But you might feel more in control if you can step back, see what is happening, and take steps to manage the challenges facing you in the moment. Just knowing that the doubt, confusion, frustration or despair you may be feeling are common and even predictable might help you regain perspective and cope more steadily.

TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

How are you coping? Are you drinking or smoking more? Missing work? Pulling away from friends because you’re too caught up in stress at home, trying to hide your partner’s addiction, or thinking they just don’t want to hear you gripe about it anymore? These are all warning signs that you are starting to lose yourself in the dust cloud of your partner’s substance abuse.

Taking care of yourself might mean signing up for a class, getting together regularly with close friends, seeing a therapist or finding an on-line support group. You cannot help your partner or your relationship if you yourself are falling apart.

TREATMENT AND LIFE AFTERWORDS

Once the recovery process begins, your partner will go through a lot of changes. Mood swings, shifts in personality and physical energy, and more mood swings. He may even start talking funny, using new words and phrases he’s picked up in treatment. This is generally a very hopeful and promising time, one that requires a lot of personal effort and help from others.

Your partner may be spending a lot of time at support group meetings and making new friends who are also in recovery. While you may feel happy that he is making such progress, you might also feel a bit jealous of his new recovery friends upon whom your partner might rely more for support than you. “How can they understand you better when we’ve been together so long?” You’re not being replaced. Only people with addic-tion can really “get it,” and that insight and shared experience are extremely supportive in recovery.

After treatment, you may feel anxious to get back to normal or to feel like you deserve a little more attention after all you’ve been through to support him. But again, you will have to be patient. Understand that he really does need time in early recovery to stay very focused on his own needs to avoid relapse. Having said that, don’t be afraid to express your feelings honestly. Part of recovery is learning how to communicate about emotions in an open, respectful way. Your reward of a better, more loving relationship is coming.

WILL OUR RELATIONSHIP CHANGE AFTER TREATMENT

Yes. Most couples do not return to their lives as if nothing has happened. On the positive side, you may see improvement in communication: more openness, more honesty, more frequency, more sincerity. Most people emerge from treatment looking forward to a “fresh start” and to making important changes. Of course you’ll want to share in this optimism.

But you were likely the one he hurt the most, and that pain doesn’t heal right away. It is normal to feel conflicted about your partner’s post-treatment return to your life. On one hand you’re glad to see him and glad he’s doing better, but on the other hand, you remember the stream of broken promises, deception, and bullshit. This conflict will take time to resolve. Don’t pretend it isn’t there. Talk about it if you feel it.

Perhaps the hardest part of rebuild-ing relationships is rebuilding trust. Of course he wants to make changes, to make it up to you, to be a better partner. But he has probably said that countless times before, so why would now be any different? Again, this caution is something almost all partners feel. All the hope-ful words do not mean as much as real, tangible actions. And without a doubt, that first time he doesn’t show up for something or doesn’t call when he said he would, you’ll probably wonder right away if he is drinking or using again. This is all very typical.

A FINAL WORD

After reading this, you may get the impression that the odds of your relationship surviving or even flourishing after addiction are against you. That’s not always the case. Many partnerships strengthen through these challenges, and yours might too. But it takes hard, hard work on the part of both partners to get there. In either event, you will emerge with a better understanding of yourself and of what you want and need in a relationship. And this deeper awareness will help bring more authenticity and more fulfillment to this partnership or to the next

Authored by Susan Kingston, Educator Consultant with the Drug Use and HIV Prevention Team, Public Health – Seattle & King County. susan.kingston@metrokc.gov

Photograph by Nathan Rupert

Crystal Meth: How to Ask for Help

Crystal Meth: Asking for Help

If you think you’ve got a problem with meth , recognizing that you have a problem is the first step in getting help.

A lot of people think they can kick meth and other drugs on their own, but that’s not going to work for most people. To get started, you need to find someone you can trust to discuss your problem with.

A friend or loved one can be a good option at first, particularly if you think they can help you without being judgmental or trying to use your problem to control you. A supportive and understanding person outside of your family or friends may be your best option, especially if that person has faced a problem with meth before. If you can’t talk to your significant other, a siblingor a parent, you may want to approach a counselor, a doctor, a religious leader, a former user on the road to recovery, or a hotline operator.

So, how do you ask for help? Try nine simple words “I have a problem, and I need your help.”

Practice those words over and over until you can say them to the person you want to turn to for help. If your intended helper doesn’t know you use meth, or even if he or she does know, you need to continue: “My problem is meth.” Saying it is very powerful-you take your problem out of your head and puts it where others can help. There! It’s not a secret anymore, and you’ve asked someone for help. Now, to make certain that you get the help you need to deal with your problem, here are some things you can do to make getting help for you easier on the person you asked.

Have a vision of what “help” means to you right now .

  • If you still need to talk with someone to figure out what that “help” is, ask your helper to help you find and show up for either a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting or a counselor. You can start by looking at www.crystalmeth.org .
  • If you just want to get your use to a level where it isn’t running your life, tell your helper that you want to learn to use less. Let them know that you want to cut back on your use and ask them to help you find a “harm reduction” program or specialist. In the DC area, a monthly harm reduction group takes place at the DC Center.  Find out more at 202 682-2245.
  • If you want to stop using completely, tell your helper that you want treatment to stop using and what type of insurance you have, if any.  Don’t let a lack of money or insurance stand in your way, though. Let your helper know that there are lists of treatment centers available online  or by calling 1-800-662-4357.

Have this guide handy when you ask for help, too . If emotions keep you from saying too much, you can always point to words on the page to ask for help and to describe the help you need. The website at the bottom of this page can help your helper and you, too!

Overcoming a drug problem is not easy . Quitting drugs is probably going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it will be one of the things you’re most proud of having done, too. It’s not a sign of weakness if you need professional help from a trained drug counselor or therapist. Most people who try to kick a drug or alcohol program need professional assistance or treatment programs to meet their goals.

Once you decide start a treatment program–whether inpatient or outpatient or through 12-step meetings (CMA)–try these tips to make the road to recovery less bumpy:

  • Tell your friends about your decision to stop using drugs. Real friends will respect your decision. But also keep in mind that you may need to find new friends who will be 100% supportive. Unless all of your friends get off drugs together, you won’t be able to hang out with the buds you got high with before. It may hurt like hell to give up your friends, but you’re choosing the life you want for yourself, not they life that they want you to have.
  • Ask your friends or family to be available when you need them. You may need tocall someone in the middle of the night just to talk. If you’re going through a tough time, don’t try to handle things on your own – accept the help your family and friends offer.
  • Accept only invitations to events that you know won’t involve drugs. Going to themovies is probably safe, but you may want to skip a Friday night party until you’re feeling more secure. Plan activities that don’t involve drugs. Go to the movies or to museums, try bowling, or take a class with a friend.
  • Have a plan about what you’ll do if you find yourself in a place with drugs. The temptation will be there eventually, but if you know how you’re going to handle it, you’ll be OK. Establish a plan with your friends and family so that if you call home using a code, they’ll know that your call is a signal you need to get out where you are fast.
  • Remind yourself that having a drug problem doesn’t make you bad or weak. If you slip up and use a bit, talk a counselor or someone in your treatment program as soon as possible. There’s nothing to be ashamed about, but it’s important to recognize the slip quickly so that all of the hard work you put into your recovery is not lost.

If you’re worried about a friend who has an addiction, use these tips to help him or her, too. For example, let your friend know that you are available to talk or offer your support. If you notice a friend using again, talk about it openly and ask what you can do to help. If your friend is going back to drugs and won’t accept your help, don’t be afraid to talk to a counselor. It may seem like you’re ratting your friend out, but it’s the best support you can offer.

Above all, offer a friend who’s battling a drug problem lots of encouragement and praise. It may seem corny, but hearing that you care is just the kind of motivation your friend needs.

Staying Clean

Recovering from a drug or alcohol addiction doesn’t end with a 6-week treatment program. It’s a lifelong process. Many people find that joining a support group can help them stay clean. There are support groups specifically for teens and younger people, too. You’ll meet people who have gone through the same experiences you have, and you’ll be able to participate in real-life discussions about drugs that you won’t hear elsewhere.Many people find that helping others is also the best way to help themselves. Your understanding of how difficult the recovery process can be will help you to support others -both teens and adults – who are battling an addiction.If you do have a relapse, recognizing the problem as soon as possible is critical. Get help right away so that you don’t undo all the hard work you put into your initial recovery. And don’t ever be afraid to ask for help!

Originally created by the DC Crystal Meth Working Group which is not currently active.

Crystal Meth: Asking for Help
Crystal Meth: Asking for Help